I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
