Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
