Quick, to the slutcave!
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
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