after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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