it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Randomize
