We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
