Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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