Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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