im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You pole danced in your parka.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
