Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
