remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
