Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
