We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
