I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
