I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
