my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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