Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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