the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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