Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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