dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
