I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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