just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
