i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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