My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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