i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
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I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
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There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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