I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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