i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Girls should come with a carfax report
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
