Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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