i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
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Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
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Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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