worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
i need some magic done to my vagina
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
