Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
