i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
