life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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