All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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