I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
