My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
