someone owes me an orgasm
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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