omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
