I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Dear god my vagina.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
