she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
