If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
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Edward fifth and chaser hands
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
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he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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