if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
