I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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