I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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