Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Randomize
