Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
