you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
