My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
