if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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