the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Let's get the cat blown out
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
