I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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