saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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