The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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