What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
