I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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