I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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