never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
