If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
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If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
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