im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
