get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
