Betty ford says i'm here all night
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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